The Relationship Vacuum

I want to explain a concept to you, which I call the vacuum. It applies to many areas and it shows up in different forms. I decided to explain it in an area, which I find to be very important as well as challenging and exciting: the ‘getting to know’ phase of a relationship.

Imagine you just got to know someone and went on a couple of dates. You find that person very attractive as well as fascinating. A strong inner desire to be with that person arises. You would want to skip ahead to that future point when you, hopefully, will be with that person. The discrepancy between what you have and what you want in that moment, this gap, is what I call the vacuum.

Most often you feel the vacuum when you are not with that person, when you are waiting for a response to your text message, or when you are pondering about asking her/him out on a date, or to keep waiting for a bit.

But you will also experience it when you are with that person in the form of wanting to give too much or too little of yourself. When you feel that there is a feeling that hinders you from being fully relaxed and at ease with yourself.

The vacuum can cause you to experience feelings of pressure, discomfort or even pain.

Not having your needs fulfilled is not necessarily a problem, it is simply a temporary fact. However, the feelings that you experience while being in the vacuum can cause you to act in strange ways and not being able to follow your true self. In the context of a relationship it can sometimes feel like “you are not you”.

By acting in strange ways, you actually lower your chances of getting what you want. Also, you buy into your own story, that what you want is what will be best for you. Even though looking at your life from a broader perspective it could be better for you not to be with that person. You can’t know that for sure at that moment in time.

I will give you a couple of concrete examples to see the vacuum “in action”.

Imagine you are on a date with your charm and are really nervous. Being in the vacuum, you might either experience a feeling of pressure and unease, which causes you to talk too much and give too much of yourself. This doesn’t feel right to you in that moment.
Or you experience a feeling of tension and heaviness, which causes you to hold yourself back. Your mind goes blank in terms of things you would want to say and you can’t express yourself fully. You can’t share what would feel right to share with the other person in that moment.

Another typical situation is when you send a text message (which might be a bit at the edge, confrontational or otherwise challenging to the other person) and are waiting for a response.

Being in the vacuum, you will experience a feeling of tension and pressure, which you have to hold. Knowing that you said the right thing in the right way, you just have to wait and relax.

However, soon you start to question yourself. Was it the right thing to say? You know that you just have to wait, even if it wasn’t the right thing to say. Sending another text message wouldn’t make it better.

Yet, the feelings you experience during that vacuum make the waiting time very unpleasant, to the point that you could send another text, which is not true to yourself, just to avoid this unpleasant feeling.

Dealing with the vacuum situation and the feelings it produces can be very challenging. There are two ways that have worked well for me to deal with the situation and the emotions arising in a vacuum.

The first one is about dealing with the emotions and thoughts arising in that very moment, while the second one is a mind-shift, which helps you to put the situation into perspective.

If you are in a situation as mentioned above (waiting after a text message, or not being able to fully express yourself on a date) you can start to make yourself aware of those feelings inside your body. Feel and learn that they are just sensations, which are neutral by nature, but by placing a negative label on them you make yourself feel uncomfortable.

Breath consciously and put your awareness into your body. Explore where you experience the feeling inside your body. Take some time for yourself to really experience the feeling inside your body and describe how the sensation feels (tingling, pulsing, pressure, tension, feeling of a knot or butterflies in your stomach).

The idea behind describing your feelings is that you can unlock from your implicit label that you put on the feeling. As soon as you feel the sensation, rather than a negative emotion (labelled sensation), you won’t feel hindered and held back by it and most often the sensation changes. And even if it doesn’t, it is not as unpleasant anymore, because you removed the negative label.

If you are on a date, you can put your awareness on the feeling while listening or speaking to your charm, making yourself aware of what is going on inside yourself. In doing so, you free yourself from the slavery of your own emotions and start to become an observer of the sensations inside your body.

If you feel really distracted, you can excuse yourself to the toilet or find another reason to get a calm moment for yourself to experience what is actually going on inside yourself.

Also, you can listen to the thoughts which are rushing through your mind. Listen to what they say and make yourself aware that you don’t have to say them, nor act upon them.

You can simply listen to them and realise that they are there, without being their slave. It is not necessary, nor is it constructive to act upon all those thoughts, which rush through your mind.

Imagine being on a high tower and thinking “what if I jumped down?”. It is an interesting, but scary thought, and you sure don’t act upon it. Hopefully.

The same holds for those thoughts which rush through your mind. You don’t have to act upon them, nor express them verbally.

Conversely, if you are on a date and your mind is blank, such that you don’t know what to say and how to express yourself fully, you can just listen to that nothingness.

Are there really no thoughts? Just listen…

The second way of dealing with the situation, which can be combined with the awareness of your thoughts and emotions is a mind-shift. It is a more conceptual and philosophical solution to the problem you experience when you are in a vacuum.

The main reason you experience those thoughts and emotions in the first place is the fear that your need might not be fulfilled.

To overcome this, you have to confront yourself with the fact that you don’t know what will be best for you in the long run and, therefore, you don’t necessarily have to have this need fulfilled.

The encounter could end and it could be better for you. You are trying to manipulate the future into what you think is best, not acknowledging the fact that you don’t have complete information.

You don’t know all the aspects which would come along with being with that person. Also, you don’t know if some new job abroad comes along your way, or if your new neighbour will be the love of your life.

You can assume that what you want is good for you, but you cannot be sure of it. Maybe the opposite is better. Knowing and accepting that you cannot know the future and all the challenges, experiences and possibilities that will come your way, helps you to put this need into perspective.

You have to accept that the future is uncertain and find a balance between your expectation and reality. It is basically the idea, that if you died tomorrow, would you care if you got together with that person today? You would still want to give all of yourself into that moment and experience all you can experience in that very moment with that person, but you wouldn’t let yourself be bothered about the outcome of the situation.

Finally, I would like you to ask yourself: have you experienced a vacuum situation in other areas of your life? When, and how did it feel? Can this knowledge about dealing with the vacuum be applied to those vacuums as well?

Jonas

 

PS: The ideas about awareness and observing your thoughts and emotions are a basic principle of meditation and mindfulness. Among all the books about this topic, I find “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle to be one of the most inspiring books. Consider reading it if you are interested in the topic.